I am divorced I get it

 

- I know how you are feeling I am divorced...

Let me stop you there, this is the kind of statement that makes most widowed folks crawl out of their skin and pretty much want to slap you in the face.

I know you want to show empathy and I know you are also going through loss, but I can talk from experience as I am both divorced and widowed, your  experience is not the same. I want to talk about this so that the conversation can evolve, to give you an insight and to save yourself from embarrassment. 

When you get divorced the relationship has irrevocably broken down, what united you as a couple is no longer there. Whether you chose to be divorced or not, there is an element of choice, the relationship is no longer sustainable. However for us widowed, there is no choice and we feel robbed of the relationship that has prematurely ended, we also grief for the future that has been shattered. 

You, on the other hand, can call your ex and vent your grievances, we cannot pick the phone and message our late partner. This is huge, there is  no phone call to heaven. The very person we loved no longer exists other than in our hearts and memories. You have the privilege to talk to them or otherwise, something we will never have. 

To the divorced there is a new family unit, two houses and two parents, in my case there will always be one parent and one house, no shared weekends, no maintenance payments, no cordial calls to sort out birthdays and Christmas. You may begrudge your ex, but believe me,  that having both parents is a treasure. Your ex may have ended the relationship with you but they still have a relationship with the children.

But if you ex chose not be part of your lives, then I am sorry that he/she has the emotional intelligence of a peanut. The main difference is that my late husband didn't have a choice, and this is the bottom line: CHOICE.

He was taken away and I had to break the news to the children that he died, I also chose the coffin and I picked the flowers. There is nothing that prepares you for that and whilst divorce can be hard. You normally don't long for your ex and if you do, they are still here.

But we,widowed folks are on call 24/7, no alternate weekends, it is relentless because the burden is not shared. You are mum and dad with all the hard work that entails, without the support and love that only two parents can provide. 

I hate saying we are disadvantaged, because we are a loving family in our own right, but we feel the loss all the time. You don't get over losing someone, you move through life but you are always thinking about them, what they are missing out, about the love, the family unity which is broken, permanently and unchangeable. 

It is this permanence that separates us from you, we will never be able to achieve a state of cordial co-existence because our partners are no longer here.

I am not writing this from a place of anger but every time a widow(er) wants to reach out and a friend compares grief to a divorce it just makes us want to retreat to our cocoon of grief. But what I really want is to elevate this conversation and to help you expand your emotional awareness.

While you may be angry at the prospect of your new family unit, mine has been shattered, my partner will not raise our children together or separately. I am the sole master of the ship and my children will not remember their dad from the massively unfair short time they spent together. Snippets of memories of the 4 (daughter) and 7 (son) years they had together. 

You may prepare your kids' bags so they can spend the weekend /holidays with their mum/dad but I had the horrid task to prepare a memory box. One person's whole life fitted into a box... Words cannot explain the pain. 

Love is always more than this nothingness even if experienced apart in different houses and alternate weekends. 

While I understand the turbulence of the divorce, the trauma, the disillusionment, death is final, the loss is permanent. So before you say I get it, consider my words and remember a simple I am sorry is enough.