Can Steve Backshall be my daddy?

 This week I was hit with two questions:

My son asked me why the neighbours help us with the shopping, 

Is it because we are a pair of four? Of course I know what he meant, we are now a unit of 3. I feel sad  and can tell he is too but we are outside the school gates and he rushes in as soon as he sees his friend, I am left there hanging. 

That same week, my daughter suggested that Steve Backshall could be her dad, If I am honest I kind of liked the idea. A handsome and fearless man looking after us, someone not scared of spiders or snakes, but of course this is not going to happen, for a zillion reasons (sorry Steve). I am in the early stages of grief and I need to sort out my house first, physically and metaphorically speaking, before I let anyone in.  

These two questions are the last in a succession of questions to which I have no answer to, or at least I have no good answers to. I will mumble through some sort of answer. When I think about my children, I realise that I don't want to leave things to chance, I will not pray and hope that things will miraculously work out. I need to tackle the elephant in the room, so I finally took the step  to contact a child bereavement charity and ask for HELP.

When I speak to the counselor, I want to ask the million dollar question that has been in my thoughts ever since Julien was diagnosed, the one thing that keeps me awake at night:

- Are we going to be ok? 

But of course nobody can answer that with certainty, so we settle for the following:

1. For Erica to be supported so she is able to best support the bereavement needs of her children.
2. For Luca to be able to identify his bereavement feelings and finds ways to express them that feels safe and healthy to him.
3. For my children to have access to a range of stories, memories and characteristics about Daddy and for these to be recorded
4. For my children to have confidence in their future and in their family unit with Mummy.
5. For the family to find a manageable way to have an on-going connection with Daddy.

I look at the list and I realize that bereavement makes you question a lot of things, your safety, your future and that of your children. I feel cheated at times, I should be making shopping lists or deciding if we are going to have pasta or pizza for dinner, mundane things, but here I am, trying to figure it out how we are going to get through the loss of Julien. 

I feel like I am a boat in a stormy sea, looking out for the light from the lighthouse, sometimes I can see the light clearly and I have confidence in our future, and other times the light is barely there.

Following up on my chat with the counselor from Winston's Wish. I decided to pick up  the conversation conversation I had with Lottie and elaborate more on it.  I feel empowered and ready to deal with it.

During bath time, Lottie seemed relaxed enough so I picked up the Steve Backshall topic again, here is how it went:

Me : Lottie do you remember that you wanted Steve Backshall to be your daddy?  

Lottie: Yes

Me: So, in the future I may meet someone one day...when I am ready.

Lottie (looking very excited now): Who? Steve Backshall. 

Me: No, not Steve.

Lottie: Why not?

Me: Well, to start with I don't know where he lives or have his phone number

Lottie: You can ask Alexa.

Me (oh lord this isn't going to plan): Lottie, Steve Backshall lives with a mummy (she does not understand the concept of marriage).

Lottie: Like a grandma?

Me: No, like his wife and children

Lottie: Oh

Me: But you know, one day if I meet someone we all like, and he likes us, who knows... perhaps we could all invite him to live with us. Do you understand? 

Lottie: I am thirsty now

Conversation over, I will have to pick this up another time. I guess this will be work in progress, just like our lives now.