Fleeting friendships

 We should go for a walk together at some point.

 I heard that 18 months ago, it never happened and it never will. These are one of the many things I heard during my journey, well meaning phrases from acquittances and friends but all empty promises.

The only purpose they serve is to satisfy the messenger that he/she did their part. They feel good about themselves, it serves no purpose for us widowed folk to be promised what can't be delivered. Reminds me of politics.

Me (front) and Juliana (fellow Widow)

I don't think I ask for much, at the beginning I only wanted to go for walks and have a coffee here and there. But  I often think of that walk that never materialised, it got to the point where it did not matter anymore. You crack on and the world spins.

Another cliche is this one, if you need me for anything,  just ask. This is a major offer and one that is very difficult to quantify, I wish instead, that people actually made concrete offers; I will fix your fence, or pay for a takeaway to be delivered (like a friend did), or take the kids to the playground, or drop us some food. If you need anything was a huge thing to process for my grieving brain, I needed so much that I could not translate it into anything more precise, so I didn't.

I did the only thing that seemed reasonable to me at the time, I cracked on. Eventually I became quite good at juggling an inordinate number of tasks, I learned not to ask anymore. I also learned that some people were consistently good at helping, whereas others were consistently good at evading. I learned a lot about human nature and trust, and I let grief do the weeding. 

My address book changed after widowhood, some people who were not close friends stepped up and some closer friends disappeared, it is a common theme. Friendships lost in grief and lack of empathy.

You don't need to lose your wife or husband to understand that it hurts, it pierces your soul, it shatters your heart, you need healing. But not everyone possess the compassion and wisdom to be present. 

It may be down to fear that they too could be in be in our shoes, an illness or an accident away from joining this sad club. Too close to home, this unbearable pain they want to shield away from. Are we bearer of bad news? A bad omen? Hardly, we are just like anyone, but in our case, fate decided do throw us an intemperie (bad weather). 

I do have some understanding towards the non widowed, I have been there (see my blog Dear Non Griever), I was the loved up friend (having just started dating my late husband) when two of my close friends lost their husbands before 40. We are friends to this day but I could have been a better friend. I fell short, not because I didn't feel for them, I did. But I had to feel that pain, I had to choose the coffin and cook dinner, I had to pick the flowers and still do the school run, I had to write an eulogy and still read my children a bedtime story. 

They were clocking the card of the living but I thought they were getting on. Here I am clocking the same card, but I wish I was a better friend then. They were just coping. I am just coping.

Dear non griever, remember this, we need you with a box of tissues, we need that walk, we need your presence even without words, we need you to hold our hands. You cannot mend our hearts but you can make the loss more bearable.