Dear non griever

 Dear non griever, I don't share my grieve with you, not because I am ashamed but because you would never understand. 

You will never know what is like to choose a coffin for your 40 year old spouse, you will never know what is like to do the school run the day after your husband passed away, you will never have to sit your own children and tell them that their dad has died and then watch the tears rolling down their cheeks, you will never know what is like to never hear your partner's voice again. It is a long list, and I could fill pages and pages of all the things that I have lost and that you take for granted.

Things that I have also taken for granted... and I have done so, because you should never be a widow at 41. 

You will never know the pain I feel, and I am honest when I say I hope you never will. I don't wish my loss on anyone. 

There was a time when I was that person, I could not comprehend this type of loss. 

Picture taken some time after Steve's funeral (2010) from left to right; me, Fernanda and Ana

This picture was taken at Richmond (England), I am sitting with my two friends Ana and Fernanda, and we have a lot in common, but little did I know that we would have even more in common; we are all widows, the three of us have lost our partners, and we all became young widows. 

My friends lost their partners under the age of 40 and I lost Julien at 41. I wonder if I ever supported them in the way they deserved, I have to be honest, I am not sure. You have no template for those things and I am pretty sure I must have relied on stupid cliches, the way people do when they want to try and fill the void.

This is one of the reasons that I don't share my grieve with you, because I don't need cliches, I don't need to hear you compare the death of your elderly parent to the loss of my young husband, or the death of your cat, dog, etc... Dear non griever, a simple I am sorry and a hug is enough, you don't need to fill the void, just be there. I have found that grieve will weed out your bad friends and only the strong and genuine remain.

However there is a silver lining in this story, my two beautiful friends who have lost their spouses so tragically early, are still here and they are thriving. They are my light at the end of the tunnel, even when the light is dim I know that there is hope. They are strong women, the type that you need when the going gets tough; resilient, beautiful and generous. We are all in different continents now, but we are united, not in tragedy, but in love, admiration and mutual respect.

My dear griever, please believe me when I say there will be calm after the storm, because life is like the weather, some days will rain and some days will be sunny.