Did you know I love you?

 These past few days Willie Nelson's song "You are always on my mind" has been playing in my head. 

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Reverberating on my mind like the echo of things left unsaid. 
There is no doubt in my mind that I loved Julien, but I wished I had said it more often. You see, when you have been together for 12 years and have two small children in the process, you don't always show each other appreciation. Nothing like several sleepless nights and routine to make you see your partner in a less than endearing light. I know I am guilty of letting little things upset me. 

However love was always there, even when the tiredness and the daily grind clouded my judgement. In the last two weeks of Julien's life, when it became clear that he was going to be taken away from me and that I would continue this journey in life solo, I was hit by the avalanche of loss, and nothing like loss to make you want to say the obvious.

Celebrating a friend's 40th in the style of Louis XVI (weekend in a French chateau)

Of course I said it all by Julien's bedside, a bit like Elvis telling Priscilla that he was sorry (through that same song) after they separated. 

Julien, you could see things so much clearer than me, you were always measured and thoughtful, counterbalancing my fiery nature; you told you knew how much you meant to me and that no relationship is perfect (ours was mostly good).

The truth of the matter is, I had so many more hugs to give, so many more kisses to share... and If I could hold your hand once again, I would wish that we could go back in time, and convince ourselves that we had forever.

It is easy to look at a relationship through rose tinted glasses, to put our loved ones in a pedestal, but I want to look at my relationship with Julien for what it was, with the good and the bad.  A widow friend who has been in this journey for over a decade warned me that is easy to forget that everyone has flaws. So I take this advice to heart, because Julien would have said the same; nothing is perfect.

Miami, before children came along

Ju, if you were here, I am in no doubt that I would have hugged you a little tighter, kissed you more passionately and loved you more intensely. You were always on my mind...