Beaverbrook

 I believe that before a person dies, they will have a spark of life before the flame is extinguished forever, a moment of respite to say their goodbyes, our moment came in the shape of a short break at Beaverbrook. Little did we know that the cancer was simmering beneath the surface, ready to unpick our lives by the seams. I chose Beaverbrook because it is a luxurious hotel, the type of experience that is so far removed from day to day existence, where you are so pampered that you forget your reality. After months of grueling cancer treatment and prolonged hospital stays, we needed to forget reality.

Cancer treatment is purgatory, and what I read on a book described cancer treatment accurately (The Unexpected Widow); "Making medical decisions was like being led to a table and forced to select the revolver, the chainsaw, the meat clever, the bow and arrow - not which one, but which order."  

 Julien deserved to be pampered, to feel like a king, to feel like the man rather than the patient, and I was exhausted. We needed respite and Beaverbrook would offer just that.

Beaverbrook was owned by Lord Beaverbrook , also the owner of the Daily Express and The Sun, he was a powerful man who had friends in high places, such as Winston Churchill. Like any very rich man, he wanted to impress and  Beaverbrook  fitted the bill perfectly; a British Country Home, set over 370 acres of manicured gardens and a golf course. I am saying all these things so you can grasp how beautiful and impressive this place really is. I am saying all these because I want our stay at Beaverbrook to be my last memory of Julien before he passed away 3 weeks later.  I want this stay to be my lasting memory of Ju, because the last two weeks of his life were so harrowing that I cannot bring myself to write about it just yet, I don't want to relieve the details but it is impossible to untangle my memories from it.

Despite some concerns about his health, Julien agreed to go away, so off we went to Beaverbrook. 

We arrived on our Skoda and parked in front of the hotel, right next to a Porsche, Bentley and some other posh car, just to be asked, very politely, that we needed to park at the rear. Julien couldn't stop laughing, he looked at me and said: - We are not posh enough, that is why we need to park in the staff car park. I smiled, that was my Julien's sense of humour, which I hadn't seen in months, finally emerging again.

We  parked and then we were escorted in a golf cart which was a lot of fun, our bags carried to our room, no effort required. The room was possibly the size of all the bedrooms in our house put together, impeccably decorated and overlooking the front of the hotel and the posh cars (our Skoda tucked away so the view would not be spoilt). A bottle of sparkling wine and a cake for Ju's 40th were waiting for us. 

There were times I didn't expect Julien to make it to 40, in my dreams we should have been in the Faroe Islands, celebrating our joint 40th, but here we were. I had you and the location was just a detail.

We booked a table for dinner at the Japanese Grill restaurant, apparently as good as Nobu (if only I knew what Nobu looked like). Funny enough Julien never tried Japanese food and I couldn't say I am overly familiar with it, I was set on trying the Eel, Ju was happy to go along with anything really.

Japanese Grill

For lunch we decided to head to the Coach House. I never thought a slice of pizza could be so expensive, this is what you get for trying to keep up with the Joneses, or, in our case, with Peter Crouch, who was having lunch with his family. Julien was not normally draw to any celebrities, and couldn't care less about famous people, but to my surprise he wanted to see Peter Crouch. I was happy that he was interested and willing to do things. You see, the man that entered hospital at the beginning of his cancer treatment was not the same that came out, he was different, shell shocked, pale, having lost so much weight he did not look like Julien. I was happy that I could see glimpses of Julien, happy and care free.

Before dinner we enjoyed a drink at the bar, I had my favourite cocktail, Mai Tai and Ju had  juice. We sat at the terrace to admire the view, and we were graced by a beautiful sunset. No distractions from the children, just the two of us. 

In the evening we dressed up and made our way to the restaurant. We were greeted by this wonderful waiter who immediately put us at ease, he was friendly and welcoming  without being intrusive. He explained the menu to us newbies and we settled on the taster menu, including the Eel.  You wanted to have wine, and why not,  Ju being French, wine always featured in our lives. You chose Ondarre Reserva Rioja, as you'd expect in a place like this, the wine was delicious and served at the perfect temperature. We chatted, people watched, drank wine and laughed. We hadn't done this in a long time. 

The following day we enjoyed reading at the library, sitting by the fire place, you read the news and we just generally took our time, the world almost in standstill.

 I went for a swim, since I love water,  sadly not joined by you as you had a Hickmann Line, a sad reminder of your treatment. We went for a long walk around the estate, trying not be hit by a golf ball. I felt content watching you and having your company, you were in hospital for so long  you needed fresh air and normality.

Breakfast was a feast,  we even enjoyed cooked breakfast, normally something that we'd avoid. Julien was normally plagued by nausea and vomiting due to chemo, but even before cancer treatment he was easily unwell from stomach issues, so you can imagine what it was like when he had to start chemo...he vomited constantly, and could hardly eat, even when they gave him anti-sickness medication. However, during our stay, Julien ate loads (even more than me lol) and he was not sick once, not only that, he actually enjoyed his food. A huge win for both of us.

As our short break drew to a close, we visited the Stepping Stones in Surrey which I always wanted to see. It gives me huge pleasure to know that we have done this trip, I know Ju loved it too because he basically told half of the hospital about it. As cliche as it sounds, I will treasure this memory forever.