The wedding I didn't have

 I married my husband on the 23/10/2020, he died 8 days later. He died 20 days after he turned 40 and he died the day after our son turned 7. If I lived in ancient Greece I think my wedding would have the potential for a Greek tragedy.

I spoke to Julien about us getting married a few weeks before he was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, of course we didn't get to the wedding part because his type of cancer required long periods of hospitalisation.

In my dreams,  we would get married in Madeira Island also know as the floating garden of Europe, a beautiful place in the Atlantic Ocean with brilliant weather and great food. We would only invite immediate family, my parents, brother and sister and his family. I am not keen on big white weddings, I wanted a simpler affair and Julien felt the same. We would hire a villa with a swimming pool, overlooking the sea, we would all stay together and enjoy each other's company, have late night chats and just enjoy our surroundings.

I would wear flowers in my hair, the dress would be from Hope & Ivy, I would choose pearl earrings and a simple necklace. Our daughter, who has the most gorgeous golden hair, would wear a pretty dress and flowers on her hair too, and our son, who loves bow ties, would choose a lovely bow tie and a smart shirt (possibly with sharks as he loves them). We would pick a nice restaurant and the menu would definitely feature some seafood. 

 Our children would play with our nephews, and possibly fight too as kids do. On the day of the wedding we would give them bubble bottles, so they could blow lots of bubbles when we exchanged rings. We would listen to a mix of Brazilian and French songs to reflect our heritage. 

Julien loved to dance to Hold my Girl by George Ezra, he would hold Lottie and she would squeal in delight as they pirouetted around the room, so I would expect the same on our wedding day.  I would ask him to sing to Les Champ-Elysees by Joe Dassin, he was not the best singer but I loved when he sang that song.

We would dance and laugh and have lots of good memories. But this is the wedding we didn't have. Instead I married at the hospital with two nurses as witnesses. I didn't even know that was I getting married, what I knew was, that I was going to break the news to my partner that the cancer was back and that he was terminal.

On the 23/10 /20 I put a beautiful blue and black dress, put make up on, dropped my children at school and got ready to go to hospital to deliver the dreadful news. I disguised myself like a chameleon hiding away the sadness and the sense of dread when you are going to shatter your whole world. I am so sorry Julien that I had to break the news, like a death messenger.

After breaking the news to Julien, the doctors asked if there was anything they could do for him, did he have a dying wish? He did, and that was to marry me. I felt honoured that he felt so strongly about us marrying, that I was still the right person for him and that it mattered that we made things official. 

The hospital organised things so that we could marry the same day, that meant that I had to make a mad rush home to get all documents needed, and then take them to the Town Hall in Brighton. After a considerable delay at the Town Hall, I had to drive to the hospital to get married. By the time I got there my hair and make up were a mess and, to be honest inside I felt a mess too. I grabbed two nurses as witness, and just like that we were married, no flowers, no music, no family. We both cried and so did one of the nurses. 

So for my wedding I have the video and I have the photos but they are all too painful to look at.We tried to get married before but covid restrictions made it impossible, and when we did emerge from lockdown he was in hospital more often than not so we couldn't plan things.

I never understood before why people would want to get married at such a sad time, yet now, it makes perfect sense. Love never dies or falters, if anything I felt stronger about my precious Ju.

I am glad we got married but it was not the happy affair or the wedding we wanted. We were together for 12 years and my one regret is that we should have done it sooner.