Foreign feelings

Whenever I have complex feelings I blog, this is a surprise, because English is a foreign language to me, but then I come to think of it and I realise that grief is also a foreign feeling. One that I am learning to live with. Much like learning a language, you cannot always translate grief  and sometimes you cannot express it in a way that makes sense to others.

Natal - Brazil

This is where I am at the moment, I have all these feelings lost in translation. In my language (Portuguese), they are called saudades, a feeling of longing and nostalgia.

 Lately I have noticed more and more the empty spot on my sofa, Julien's spot. Then there is the chair, the bed, the driver's seat, his garden...I have noticed the emptiness more. I stare into this emptiness and it stares right back at me, the roles and rituals that are gone, or that have irrevocably changed. To the world I am a widow, in my heart I am a wife...but I have no husband to look after, to hold hands, to cook together, to complain. There are no phone calls about something I achieved (or not). There is no more sitting on the sofa, with me complaining that he can't make up his mind about what to watch on Netflix.

We have written so many pages together, from the trivial where we have enjoyed a croissant and a coffee together, to the life changing situations where you held my hand as our first born lay in NICU. Now that you have left I must continue the story, but the ending is no longer the same, we will not ride together to the sunset. You are no longer the protagonist but you are still very much part of the narrative.

I have no idea how the story will unfold; and I tentatively pick the pencil of fate and try to rewrite our story, my story. A story filled with memories some bittersweet but they're mostly filled with love. The lines are blurred because my story doesn't start where yours ended, they are intertwined. 

To me is not about the unfinished stories and blank pages (but I agree the story was cut short), but how we pick up the script and write new stories, if only to honour the memories of our loved ones, to live our best life, because they didn't get that chance.