My dear children

 My dear children,

I am writing to you to apologise that your childhood is not what I wanted, and to be honest widowhood is not what I wanted either. I had plans and dreams for you both, but life had other ideas.

I am writing this because I hope you understand that I always wanted the best for you, but grief and tiredness does funny things to you, so I am sorry if I fell short. The three of us are navigating this darkness without a blueprint, and only time will tell when we will arrive at our destination and how hard will the journey be, which I hope is not too bumpy.

I guide you with all my might and the limited wisdom of my 42 years of age, the difference is that, before I had your dad, a wiser person. He was my anchor... your anchor. There is no doubt that we would be more grounded if he was here to love us, to protect us and to share life together.

His life was cut too short, but rest assured that his love for you and me was abundant. The only times I saw him breaking down in hospital was because he wanted to be with you. He lived for you.

The three things that he loved most were you two, the garden and me (in that order). That always make me chuckle, how much he loved the garden, but you my dear Lottie and Luca you were his prettiest flowers.

In your short life you both had to endure a lot, and I am sorry if I had to hold your hand as you said your goodbyes to daddy. You didn't know he was dying, and my heart broke in a thousand pieces as I drove you to the hospital for the last time. 

I then broke your hearts when I delivered the devastating news, it took me two days to have the courage to break the news to you. Seeing your tears was the worst day of my life, and I am sorry it had to be me, but I felt it was my duty as your mother.

As we navigate the highs and the lows of this new life, standing under the shadow of grief and looking for the rays of sunshine that make their way through, I want you to know that we are not broken. I want you to know that your imperfect mother is a lot stronger with you.