Filling the void

Lately I have to admit that I have lost my voice, my blog was always filled with raw energy and my writings were not the result of gentle reflection but an outpouring of feelings, unfiltered and raw.

The reason I have lost my voice is that loss is a void that can't be filled (or at least not permanently) with hobbies, friends, and other distractions. Once you ticked all the boxes on that checklist of chores and things to do, there is only you, alone, contemplating life and love and all the big questions.

The big questions about life, love and the future that cannot be fully answered or hurried and this is where I am at the moment, I have all the longing and desires for things that cannot be easily met. I have the burning desire for life, joy, love and adventure but I cannot do all these things solo. My resilience and tenacity allows me to plough on alone but I feel life is better as a partnership. When you become widowed the connection is abruptly severed but the love is there, only you cannot channel it; love quite simply does not evaporate.

The lack of connection hurts and I don't know if it is caused by a heightened emotional state  since I am coming up to the one year mark, or a painful realization that the void exists because Julien was a special man, full of character, kindness and love. 

It is pointless to explain why a partnership is important, but here are my observations; it enhances emotions, so when things are good you have two to cheer and when things are bad you have two to share. It softens the blows and it makes the special moments more special.

Good partnerships create a feeling of connectedness, there is a shared purpose and a sense of belonging. When the connection is broken you are thrown into this space of anxiety, loneliness and fear. 

On reflection it bothers me, a lot, that I don't know what my life will be like...this unpredictability and lack of  emotional security is tough for someone like me who always had a plan b,c and d, but Julien dying so young was never part of my plans. Hell, losing a spouse so young is never a part of anyone's plans. It hurts because I am doer, what I plan happens... travel, university, babies, I suppose it is a false sense of security.

I am not looking for a fix, grief  needs its own space and time, it is like living in a parallel universe, you do normal things, you strive to engage with life but now and again grief rears its ugly face.