So it's Valentines

 Valentine is looming, and I am standing in front of the cards section of the supermarket, I stare at the huge choice. I wonder if I should buy one for my husband, but what should I write to a person that is no longer here. I ponder for a while unable to make a decision,  so instead I decide to go grab a coffee and do some work.

At the café I watch a couple playing with their young daughter, my heart hurts, they are a beautiful family, an intact unit; unbroken. 

I finish my report and head home. I don't buy the card, this happens few more times, I look at cards and don't buy anything. I know that whatever I write in the card will be a little imaginary dialogue in my head, with the man I still love, and who is no longer here.

It is funny how your memory blanks things, I can't remember what happened last Valentines, my first without Julien. When he was sick in hospital I bought a little chocolate rose for him, he could not eat and flowers were not allowed so my choice of gifts were limited. The true gift would have been for him to get better and for us to reunite again, but we know how this one ends. This is true life and not a Hollywood movie.

When I am a lesser person I wish that these couples, who continually profess their love on social media, would choke on their prosecco.  When I am level headed and in a good place I am happy for them, thankfully I am mostly in a good place, so they can drink the bubbly without fear of choking.

Julien was a romantic he bought me flowers on Valentines and also when it was not Valentines, he gave me lots of flowers. The beauty of our relationship was that I felt utterly and absolutely appreciated. When you start to contemplate romance (and fail) you quickly learn that there is a lot of emotional immaturity; the avoidants, the traumatised, the narcissists, the players, it makes you realise you had it good, actually I had it wonderful. 

I have learned in these new entanglements that for them you are wonderful but... However, for Julien, I was wonderful end of. No room for doubt, he felt utter unadulterated love for me. So you feel grateful you felt that love but it also makes it incredibly hard that you can't have it, not today, not ever, at least not with the same person. 

If I am lucky I will have it again, but it doesn't change the fact that Julien is no longer here to make new memories with me, all that is left is the memories we made and which I hope, won't fade too much with time.

Sometimes I look at the couples that don't cherish one another, that don't celebrate their love be it on Valentines or any other day. They don't know that time and love can be taken in a instant,  they are sitting on a treasure that they don't recognise or appreciate. If the love is really gone then why waste more time, why not end it so they can both find love again with somebody else. 

Don't waste time on the things or people you don't love, if the love is there then take notice, don't let the memories of your loved ones be the things you didn't do or say. When you stare at the empty spot on the sofa or feel the coldness of an empty bed, that is the time you wish you could hold them once more.