5 years gone

 I have not written in a long while, but I knew, once the 5 year mark was closer, that I would mark this dreadful occasion with a blog post.

It has been 5 years, and we are no longer a coherent whole, my world of familiarity and stability ceased to exist 5 years ago. Having lost all my recognised patterns of what life was meant to be I have now settled into solo parenthood and aloneness. I have now grown begrudgingly accustomed to a new rhythm, where I am solely reliant on myself. I will not sell this as a good place to be, but paradoxically, I am not in a bad place either.

I haven't chosen to be in this place, constantly rushing because this is the only speed where things get done, a routine of watching TV alone and going to bed at 9pm because I am so tired that I need all the sleep I can get, the sleep of the damned. 

Of course my husband didn't leave a vacancy, he left a life long void that is hard to fulfill, even if you drop standards and expectations. This "vacancy" has not been fulfilled, if you are curious, perhaps it is my fault because in my autonomous and independent state I am less accommodating. I have had a 2.5 years relationship, which  I hope has turned into a lifelong friendship, this is reassuring.

But my life partner is still missing from the picture, someone to shoulder life's burdens and to soften the blows helping reduce all the noise around you when you spend too much time in your own head.

At beginning I had a huge inner strength to get us through things, lockdown, first day at school, cremation, but after a while of doing all the firsts, seconds, thirds, fourths the novelty wears off. You are just tired. I have done so many school runs, holidays, passport renewals, fixing stuff that you just reach a point where you go...not another five years of this.

I don't want to frighten people reading, we are ok, we did the work and we embrace life. Just that life is just a gigantic task to navigate without a partner. Not having a partner just magnifies all the pains and tribulations, even the joy is not as jubilant because you are the only cheerleader. You are picking up the pieces for everyone else, but who is there for you.

The cup of resilience fills as quickly as it empties.  

I have long accepted that I am a different version of the person I was 5 years ago. I will never be as sad as I was then but I will never be as happy as I once was. Like Billy Bob Thornton said "You will never get over loss, and the sooner you accept it and embrace it, the better off you are"

There is, and there will always be this underlying sadness because the potential will never be achieved when you become widowed far too early.