Figure it out
This week was my mother in law's birthday, I called her and asked how she was and what she was doing to mark the occasion (she lives in France, so we can't be there for her), she said she was working on the garden, burying her sorrows in the ground. Burying...the way same she has done with her own husband and her son Julien. I feel the sadness for her and for me, because I can't console her, this is true for every occasion. Birthdays and Christmas are not the same, we busy ourselves to feel less pain. I can't even bring myself to spend Christmas in France with her nor have I spent any Christmas in my house since 2020. Every time I mark my own birthday I am acutely aware that Julien will never reach my age, I was a year older. I have lived 5 more years than him. Every celebration, marks what has not been achieved, he will never see his daughter turning 8 or his son turning 11. He will never grow old. Me on the other hand, have more white hairs and wrinkles, I am ageing.
